My Pet Blog

So, I didn't get this written before the Academy Awards last night but I'm doing it now.

When I first started this blog, way back when, one of my first entries ever was a detailed analysis (yes, seriously, detailed) of that year's Oscar nominees. I went though and made my picks and explained why one would win over the other four. I did this because I was once in love with the Academy Awards.

So in love with them, in fact, that I watched them so intently that, apart from Big and the Gator Girl, no one would dare sit in the same room as I while the telecast was on. I loved the silliness (and much of that show is silliness), the occasional funny joke, moving acceptance speeches, funny acceptance speeches and the opening monologue, which, some years were quite funny.

That said, I think I might be starting to outgrow that phase of my life now because, for the last couple of telecasts, I haven't really cared all that much.

But I was impassioned enough this year to spring upon my unsuspecting brother and sister-in-law a surprise rant on how The Hurt Locker should totally beat that best picture impostor Avatar because one is a glorious piece of film making that gets beneath your skin and stays there for a long time afterward and the other is a popcorn flick (You forget it when the popcorn runs out) cross between a Smurf movie (said with all respect in the world...I love Smurfs.) and Dances With Wolves.

End rant.

So I wasn't even sure I was even going to watch the Academy Awards this year. But, my love of The Hurt Locker drove me to tune in.

The Red Carpet portion is annoying. Everyone is annoying and they ask annoying questions, least among them "Who are you wearing?" They don't listen to anything the stars have to say and then fumble their way through a response. Whatever. It makes for some goofy moments that Joel McHale will be able to use on The Soup so I guess that's good.

The opening number included Neil Patrick Harris (whom I adore) doing a song and dance number like he did at the Emmys. It was a surprise because I hadn't read anything about him being there and as I love Neil Patrick Harris, I was thrilled with the whole thing. Too bad he couldn't stay because then we were subjected to

Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin.

They are funny guys. I just don't think they were particularly funny together. (Bring back Jon Stewart!) They had their moments, sure, but I think more of their jokes fell flat. And what's wrong with George Clooney? Man, did he seem grumpy. I know he must be getting tired of being an also-ran, but if he didn't want to show at the event, he didn't have to show.

The John Hughes memorial was nice but...what about everyone else who died? Seriously, seemed a little rude. Speaking of the In Memorial section, I swear Karl Malden is in that every damn year.

What else?

Ben Stiller= not funny. At least not in this bit.

Kristen Stewart= Grumpier than George Clooney.

Taylor Lautner= super cute. Every time the camera showed him, I would either shout "take your shirt off" or "pour some water on him!" The second one made Joe look at me in confusion. Then, after I explained the Rolling Stone cover of him in a wet tee shirt, the one that made me go a little weak at the knees, Joe's look changed from confusion to something akin to annoyance.

Oh, Gabourey Sidibe is the most adorable thing ever to walk the red carpet. Love her to pieces. In that opening bit, when they had the best acting nominees walk out on stage (hey, real subtle way to say no one really cares about the other awards, producers!), she was the one who was showing a little sass.

I hate the thing they seem to be doing now when they get to the best acting awards and have five people come out to talk about the five nominees. Want to know why this show always runs so damn long? Stuff like this. I did get a chuckle out of Tim Robbins's story about Morgan Freeman and the deep, lasting friendship the two developed on the set of The Shawshank Redemption (one of the all time greatest films ever, by the way). Tim said something like this:

"The last day of shooting, Morgan said to me, "Friendship is one guy getting another a cup of coffee. Do you think you could do that for me, Ted?"

Speaking of funny, Meryl Steep has a great sense of humor...that, or she's such a great actress that we at least think she has a great sense of humor. She took her fair share of ribbing at the telecast from everybody. Loved Stanley Tucci's tribute and Sandra Bullock's "my lover Meryl" at the end of her speech.

Kathryn Bigelow (who also directed one of my all time faves Point Break) won the award for Best Director. It's the first time a woman has ever won this award. I was very. very about this. Yes, it's about time that a woman has won this award. It's great that she won this award for making a war movie but really, I think the best part of it for me was that James Cameron didn't win. Very sad, however, that we didn't get to see James Cameron's reaction to his ex-wife's win.

And then The Hurt Locker went and won for Best Picture. Again, we didn't get to see James Cameron's reaction. I was very happy for that group and that movie. And again, the best part was that Avatar and James Cameron with his gloss cover gloss entertainment (Bonus points anyone? It's a very obscure reference so I won't be hurt if no one knows) had to sit this one out.

So yes. Apart from that whole "let's nominate ten films for best picture" bullshit, I think the Academy got it right this year. Well, as much as I like Sandra Bullock, I would have given the award to anyone else in that group. I really would have like to have given it to Gabourey Sidibe because her acceptance speech would have been the stuff of Oscar Legend.

Until next year, Oscar...

Sunday

The Amazing Race: So last week, people were getting kick in the head by cows (priceless!) and this week, people have to lasso cows. Of course, the cows are just bales of hay with a plastic cow head stuck to it, but still, Hi-larious! This course seemed to be custom made for the cowboys who are quickly becoming my favorite team. They're just so...nice. I do not like the not gay gay brothers and the dating lesbians. The brothers are annoying and the lesbians are mean. They're just not nice to anyone. Even each other. Brent and Caite are still in it as well as braniacs Jeff and Jordan. I think my favorite moment was when Jeff realized just how stupid they were and he said "We shouldn't reproduce." I wholeheartedly agree. Please go sterilize yourselves before the next leg begins, okay?

Legend of the Seeker: Hey, remember in the first season when I was going on and on about the episode with the magical talking sock puppets? Well, the magical talking sock puppets were not in this episode. Sorry if I got you all excited. The reason I bring them up is that now this show has set a new standard for awesome lunacy that makes the magical talking sock puppets seem pale in comparison. Do you remember how last week I was talking about how deep and dark and serious and whatnot the second season of this show's become? Well, they took a definite break from that trend with this episode. It was hysterical. I really do love this show so much. Kahlan gets kidnapped and the other three have to go undercover to get her out. Mord Sith (think of a dominatrix with kick ass fighting skills) Cara gets to be the delicate and dainty princess. Richard gets to be a blond lothlorio and wizard Zedd gets to be the dowager aunt. And then it got better. Man, I love this show.

Monday

How I Met Your Mother: It's baaaack! It seems like forever ago that we were last treated to a new HIMYM episode. In this outing, Ted explains to his kids that he's a jerk. Carrie Underwood guest stars as a hot girl who's keeping Ted "on the hook". A teacup pig make an appearance, an adorable appearance, and Barney is a riot as usual. Let's get Neil Patrick Harris a damn emmy already. He totally deserves it. One question though: How does Lily, a kindergarten teacher, get seventh period off? That isn't like any kindergarten I've even know.

Rules of Engagement: Joe and I don't religiously watch this show or anything but we always laugh our asses off when we do. We are particularly amused by Patrick Warburton.

Chuck: I really do think this show just keeps getting better and better. Loved guest stars straight out of The Sopranos. I was a little afraid of Chuck myself; he really did seem to get into the assassin role a little too much. I desperately want the song that played at the end of the episode (Daniel Zott's Living A Lie) but I can't get it from amazon. I haven't checked iTunes yet but I don't generally like to buy music from iTunes. But if they have it, I'll buy it. That's how badly I want this song. Anyway, back to the episode. I feel bad for Chuck. But I'm so glad this show's still on the air.

The Big Bang Theory: Stan Lee makes a guest appearance and Sheldon goes to jail. Not one of their funniest episodes but still a good time to be had.

Life Unexpected: Well, I spent the whole episode waiting for Natasha to have to leave because if either Cate or Baze ended up taking her in, or if Tasha's birth mother took her back, I was going to stop watching the show immediately. I like Tasha and I want good things for her character but there's a line between realistic and fantasy and this show has, thus far, tread it nicely. A little suspension of disbelief is required but not too overly much. Tasha's storyline this evening bordered on too much but the writers kept it from going there. But just barely.

Tuesday

American Idol: So the men take the stage tonight which is a surprise because we all thought the ladies were supposed to be on but, as it turns out, Crystal Bowersox (who I love dearly) is ill and in the hospital (they didn't say why) and unable to perform tonight so the gents go on instead. And again, I am left asking "Hey, does anyone else remember when they used to have good singers on this show?" Have we just used up all the good singers in the country or something or have America's tastes just gotten that bad?

Parenthood: I was looking forward to watching this show for one reason only: Lauren Graham. After the episode had ended, I was left thinking I might watch another episode but only because of Lauren Graham. Monica Potter has always been an actress I haven't liked. Same with Erika Christensen. I know it was a pilot episode and they had a lot of story to cram into that first hour but it was a little too much and a little too crazy for me. But, again, because of Lauren Graham, I might watch next week. Or at least DVR the damn show and watch it when I've got nothing else going on.

Wednesday

American Idol: Well, it's ladies' night. They performed better than the men, I think, but only because there's Lilly Scott, Crystal Bowersox and Siobhan Mangus on the ladies' side. Those three are my favorite and Siobhan's last note was freaking insanely awesome. I can sing. I can sing well. But there's no way in hell I can even get near that note. Wow.

The Middle: The Hecks take a road trip that would make the road trips taken by my family seem like paradise in comparison. Axl is my favorite part of this show. That kid is seriously funny.

Modern Family: Not my favorite episode but I really do love this show.

Psych: Lassiter's top five skills include profiling, fishing and skeeball. I have ever mentioned how much I love this show? Oh, and Colonel Tigh was the bad guy. I am very excited for next week's 'season' finale. This show has established, I think, a history of ending a season or half season with a particularly strong episode.

Thursday

Community: This show really cracks me up. The story lines are never that deep but they don't have to be. It is what it is and what it is is funny. Really freaking funny.

American Idol Results: Wow. I don't know what drugs Danny Gokey's on but I don't think I've ever heard him as animated (or as vocal) as he was on tonight's show. Yikes! I could just imagine Ryan Seacrest thinking, "Dude. Stop touching me" each and every time Danny did just that. Four people were eliminated. Not the three women I actually like so that's about all I have to say about that.

Supernatural: So, this week's episode was a repeat. Unfortunately, when it first aired, I wasn't writing my weekly recaps. I am now and so now I feel the need to tell you how I felt about this particular episode, Swap Meat. It had a great premise. It started off so freaking well. And then they blew it. They did. They really did. Here's the cold opening of the show (which I found hysterical):



And then came the rest of the episode. Now, I believe they should have had Jared Padalecki play the episode this way. They shouldn't have had the kid tagging alongside Dean. No, the kid should have been the one tied to the chair, playing it straight, playing Sam Winchester. Jared should have been with Dean the entire episode but playing it as he did in the opening. That would've been great. I mean, the reason the Freaky Friday movies are any fun at all is when you get to watch Jamie Lee Curtis play the teenager trapped in an adult's body. You blew it, Supernatural, you blew it. But I still love you.

The Office: Finally Jim and Pam's baby arrives. Huge parts of this episode had me howling in laughter, for example, the lactation consultation. Or, in the first half of the show, the scene where Jim is totally losing it and pacing and throwing the baby books. I was insanely worried in the scene where Michael held baby Cecila for the first time and I saw the part with the wrong baby coming a mile away. It's all right because it was still kind of funny. Erin and Andy are sweet. Dwight and Angela are just weird beyond belief and my stupid DVR cut off just before the end so I have no idea what happened when Jim and Pam arrived at the house to see Dwight in their newly (kind of) remodeled kitchen. C'mon, NBC. If you say your show is going to run from 9pm to 10pm, make sure it actually ends at 10pm. You know?

Project Runway: How did Emilio not get kicked out on this challenge? Plus, he totally lied to everyone on the runway. Why isn't Tim Gunn on the judges' panel just to keep the contestants honest? This is freaking crazy.

Burn Notice: Speaking of freaking crazy, this episode was freaking crazy good. I love this show. I love most spy themed shows but this series is, I think, particularly good. Big points for Momma Weston for giving the FBI the runaround while her son and his loyal pals run around Miami trying to save the whole damn city. It, naturally, ended with a big cliff hanger that won't be resolved until freaking June. Guess I'll just go back to my bland meaningless life until then.

To Recap:

I set a goal back at the beginning of the year to write (in ten months, because I am a glutton for punishment) a 200,000 word novel (Second Nature, a sequel to my wildly popular with the four people who've read it novel Effigy).

To put that in a page number perspective for you, my 50,000 word NaNoWriMo project came out to 177 pages (using 11pt Times New Roman font). Effigy, which comes in at about 195,000 words, is 648 pages (using the same font).

All in all, this comes out to approximately 658 words a day I have to write in order to reach the 200,000 word mark by the end of October.

End Recap.

So, this goal started off well. Really, really well. By the end of January, I was 23,473 (that's right...thousands) words ahead.

And there was much rejoicing (bonus points for whomever can Name That Reference!.).

But then came February. I don't know what happened in February. It wasn't the snow because we didn't really get all that much. Apparently, it doesn't snow in the Mount Washington Valley any longer (which can only mean one thing: Joe's diabolical scheme to control the weather has finally come to fruition. And all this time, I thought he'd been looking at porn on the internet).

It wasn't the dogs. They weren't any brattier than usual (and by 'the dogs', I of course mean the Gator Girl. We all know the Big Brave German Shepherd never does anything bratty...except for maybe pulling my tablecloth and all the crap living on top of the dining room table clean off the table and on to the floor. Twice. But apart from that, he doesn't do anything bratty).

It wasn't even the Store. I mean, sure, there was inventory and all (including the conception of my new Massive Evil Plan, to be blogged about later), but it really was one of our better inventory experiences (just don't tell Eager Beaver Tammy (yes, I've changed her nickname again) that I said that) so, for once, it would appear that life isn't getting in the way of, you know, my life.

Turns out, writing was getting in the way of my writing. And that's what you call ironic. Can anyone name that movie reference? I'm talking serious bonus points (which, yes, are useless, much like Lazy Susan at the Store) here.

Anyway, February was the month where I not only lost one of my main characters (still no luck in finding him, by the way. There have been some sightings however so I remain ever hopeful that his recovery is just around the corner) but was also the month where two of the four main characters representing the side of Good (not to mention the two central characters of this particular novel) went off script. Really, really off script. They're so far off script right now that the script is in another decade.

And I hate that. Actually, I love that, I do. It's exciting as all get up when that happens. The drawback to that happening is, as I'm sure you can guess, the incredible shrinking word count. And the word count only matters when you're tracking it on a daily basis as I am because you were fool enough to set a goal to write a 200,000 word novel in ten months.

Wait...did I say 'fool'? Because I meant 'bold'.

When your characters go off script, you're left wondering. It's like watching a television show. You watch for an hour, or half hour, and then, just when you're thinking you know exactly where the story's going, there's a big giant twist and then a cliffhanger ending to your episode and, before you know it, you're sitting on the edge of your sofa, checking out the end credits and saying, "Wait...what? I have to wait how long before I find out what happens next?"

And apparently, my particular show has gone into a rather untimely hiatus.

That said, I have to say that I still finished up February in the black. I'm still 17,000 (yes, thousands) words ahead of my February end goal. I could pretty much not write a single word in March and still be on track. I won't do that. At least not intentionally anyway.

But a 17,000 word cushion is a lot smaller than the 23,000 word cushion I enjoyed last month. It makes me a little nervous. It's not that I mind terribly that the old script was ditched, it's that I really would like to find the new script and find it now because the clock's ticking.

So far today, I've written a grand total of 54 words in my WIP (work in progress). I should probably get back to that.

Until next time.

I find myself in need of a Happy List today. Actually, I am currently operating on two hours of sleep, so I find myself in need of a nap or a massive amount of caffeine, but in the absence of those two things, I'll settle for a Happy List.

So here are ten more things which make me happy:

1. Double Stuff Oreos, especially when said oreos are accompanied by a tall glass of ice cold milk. Delish!

2. Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog. The besest musical blog really almost ever...

3. Buying books. Hello, my name's Melissa and I have a problem. Just don't tell Joe I admitted that because he's been saying that same thing for years now. There are much worse things to which I could be addicted. Just saying.

4. Long Island Iced Teas. In addition to making me happy, they also tend to make me drunk. It's like an added bonus.

5. Getting Out Of Work Early. I don't really think I need to elaborate on this one.

6. Not Having To Go To Work At All. The only thing better than getting out of work early. It happened once before, the management (a woman named Judy at the time) called me about a half hour before my shift to tell me I didn't need to bother coming in because there was absolutely nothing going on. The only drawback to that happening is that once it happens that first time, you live the rest of your life waiting for it to happen again.

7. Double Chocolate Milano Cookies from Pepperidge Farms. Especially when accompanied by a tall ice cold glass of milk. The perfect all-nighter food.

8. New pens.

9. The support of good friends (I feel a Hallmark moment coming on...)

10. Winning a game of Minesweeper. Especially when I beat my own top time on the expert level. If there was a world championship for Minesweeper, I'd totally...well, I'd totally get my ass kicked, but I'd have a good time doing it.

All right...so that last one might be particularly lame but what do you want? I'm working off two hours of sleep here. I'll try to do better for next time.

Cut- Patricia McCormick- I read this book for the first time a couple of years ago. A scene I was working on in Second Nature made me think of it and so I picked it up again. It made me cry. Quite a bit, actually. I don’t remember it having that effect the first time I read it. Anyway, a good book.

Wake- Lisa McMann- I read this book for the first time last year. I reread it because the third in the series, Gone, was released this month and I wanted to refresh my memory. It’s a good series. Very interesting style about it. I’m curious how it’ll all turn out.

Fade- Lisa McMann- The second in her series.

Gone- Lisa McMann- The final installment in her series. I’m not yet sure how I feel about it. I think I was expecting more, but what more, I cannot say. It’s just a lot different that I thought it might be. I thought the first book started off so strongly and then the third one just kind of was. It didn’t feel like a final installment to me. Too many things still left unresolved.

Coal Black Horse- Robert Olmstead- I don’t know that I loved this book but I can certainly appreciate the craft and beauty of it. The front cover said something about it being shades of Cormac McCarthy and I totally get that reference. A very interesting read.

Early Autumn- Robert B. Parker- Don't mind me. I'm just continuing my journey through some of my favorite Spenser novels.

Small Vices- Robert B. Parker- Patricia Utley has a miniature bull terrier named Rosie. Just like Sunny Randall. I like Patricia Utley better though. I think my favorite scene in this book is when Susan’s friend comes to visit and brings her obnoxious brat of a daughter. Susan, after the friend and daughter have left, asks Spenser if he thought Pearl the Wonder Dog would have bitten the child. Spenser replies, “With proper coaching.” Hi-larious!!

The Moon Under Her Feet- Clysta Kinstler- A feminist retelling of the conception, birth, life and death of Christ as told by Mary Magdalene. Definitely not my usual fare, but a friend lent her copy to me, saying she really enjoyed it. Actually, she told me her father said she’d go to hell for reading this book. Since I figure I’m already going to hell for much worse things than reading this book, I didn’t worry about that part so much. The book itself is pretty good. It started off a little slow but definitely picked up. I personally thought it dragged a little bit toward the end- the parts that were, I don’t know, too bible-y or something (Biblical, maybe? Yeah. I'm a writer.). Maybe I’m going to hell for that comment right there. Yikes!

Alone- Lisa Gardner- Not my favorite of her books but not a bad read. I spent a lot of time kind of confused about what was going on and not in a good way, you know? I hear main character Bobby Dodge makes an appearance in another book so I’ll probably look for that one soon. I'm like that.

One For The Money- Janet Evanovich- Don’t know really what made me pick up this book again at this time. I think it’s been in my head since I read that Kim Harrison novel last month and had the Stephanie Plum thing going on. I really, really don’t like how Stephanie dresses. A minor thing, I know, but I just don’t like it. Ranger is also very different in this novel than he is in later novels. More personable and talkative, I guess.

Two For The Dough- Janet Evanovich- I don’t know how many more of these I’ll read right away. I’m curious about the Ranger character evolution. I am also having problems remembering the evolution of Stephanie’s relationship with Morelli. But I have always, always been a Morelli fan in that whole Morelli/Ranger debate.


February Total: 11 books. Year To Date Total: 22 books. That means I only have 78 books left to go!

I will give major ultra mega bonus points to whomever can name the movie this blog's title references. I want to give a hint but I don't want to make it too easy. If no one can guess correctly, I'll drop a hint then.

Anyway, yeah. So the Olympics are ending today. The closing ceremonies are scheduled for tonight and no one, I think, is happier about this than Joe. I've been spending a lot of my free time the past two weeks watching whatever random event happened to be on. Including curling.

Especially curling.

I really don't know anything about curling. It seems like it's shuffleboard on ice. but my god, is it funny to watch. And yes, by that I mean "funny haha." Sorry. I know I run the risk of insulting a lot of people (provided any of those people read this blog) but I just find it funny.

The only thing funnier than watching curling is listening to the curling commentators. These people and their hard core Midwestern accents love curling the way I love the Red Sox or Patriots. Whenever one of those curlers sliding the stones (I don't know if they have a special name...pitchers? Hurlers? Sliders?) made a mistake, the commentators resembled me jumping up and down on my couch screaming "What the frak were you thinking?!?!?"

But aside from my new found love of curling, I also watched a lot of other events. It seemed as though I watched the same Nordic combined race at least three times. There was the regular hill event, the big hill event (they may have had another name for it), the individual event and the team event. And a team event on the regular hill and a team event on the abnormal hill and so on and so forth. Congratulations to Johnny Spillane for winning three silver medals for the United States, the very first medals ever won in Nordic combined by an American. This is the part where I would also congratulate the American who won a gold medal in one of the individual NC races but I can't remember his name. I apologize for this egregious error.

Watched some of the bobsledding. I seemed to have missed most of it which is unlike me because I. Love. Bobsledding. I think I have to lay the blame on Disney's masterpiece Cool Runnings.



I think I've told you this before but my younger sister and brother and I used to play bobsledding. We grew up in Maine. We made our own fun. Our mother had (well, still has. I don't think she'll ever be able to get rid of it.) a love seat and we used to use it as our sled. We were very ingenious children. Or perhaps we just ate too much paste. I guess we'll never know. Anyway, we love bobsledding. At least my sister and I still do. I don't know how deep my brother's affection for the sport runs.

So yeah, I missed a lot of the bobsledding but I did happen to tune in last night to watch the USA win its first bobsledding medal in sixty whatever years. Woo Hoo!

I think Joe vastly preferred the bobsledding to the figure skating. I didn't watch as much figure skating as I did in the years when Michelle Kwan was still competing. But I watched the ladies' free skate and was wowed by Kim Yu-Na. I tuned in to watch the pairs free skate because I really liked the team that ended up with the gold. I even watched some ice dancing although that particular discipline makes me giggle. I mean, come on. They have a move called a twizzle. That's funny. I caught the tail end the men's free skate. I've never been able to take the men's competition entirely seriously. I remember Paul Wiley back in 1992 did a program to the music of Schindler's List and that I found to be rather moving, but mostly, men's figure skating makes me giggle. They're amazing athletes, don't get me wrong on that, they're just wearing silly costumes.

Unlike the snowboarding team. I loved the denim looking ski pants the men were wearing during the half pipe competition and snowboard cross. I also loved Shaun White, after his first run had won him the gold medal, and he was left to contemplate what to do with his second run. "I dunno," he said. "Maybe board down the middle?" I even loved the inadvertent dropping of an F-bomb on live television by one of the coaches. But Shaun went ahead and did a full out second run. I also have to give a shout out to Maine native Seth Wescott and his second gold medal in snowboard cross.

Speaking of New England natives, we in New Hampshire had a few athletes representing our little state, among them Bode Miller from Franconia and local hometown girl, Leanne Smith. I unfortunately didn't get to see any of her races. NBC had a habit of showing Lindsay Vonn and Julia Mancuso but I never managed to catch Leanne. We also had a snowboarder but he's from southern New Hampshire which is practically Massachusetts, right? Just kidding.

I also spent some time watching speed skating. Both short and long track. I especially liked the short track. A friend of mine called it "NASCAR for the upper class" which I liked. What a wild and crazy sport. Did you see the video of JR Selski and the injury he sustained at the Olympic trials? The kid cut himself with his own skate and if he had done it a couple of inches in the other direction, he would have bled out in ten seconds or whatever.

Yikes.

I am currently watching the men's hockey gold medal game. USA against Canada. I normally don't watch hockey on television. I'll watch it live, but I think it loses something on the boob tube. But this is the marquis event, right? I doubt Al Michaels will be saying "Do you believe in miracles?" (mostly because he's not one of the commentators) but right now the USA is losing so who knows...maybe we'll hear it yet.

All right...I'm wrapping up this blog so I can fully focus on the game and I just have to give you a hint (because I know how much you care) so here it is:

Toepick!

Sunday

The Amazing Race: Another season starts! Of course, it started last week but I wasn't writing the recaps last week. I am this week. Beauty Queen Caite continues to show why she's a beauty queen and not a brain surgeon. Big Brother Duo continue to show what's wrong with this country. The not undercover cops anymore pair just made it in by the skin of their teeth. The brothers claim one of them is gay and one is straight but it is Joe and my opinion that both of them are gay and maybe don't realize it yet. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I'm just saying, it seems as though they exhibit more of the stereotypical gay characteristics than say the gay brothers from the previous season. The cowboys finished first and for that I am glad because I think I might like those two.

Legend of the Seeker: Oh. My. God. This season has been on freaking fire. It's head and shoulders above the first season. Deeper and darker and definitely more tense than the first season. Loving. It. The preview for next week looks like it'll be a lot of fun.

Monday

Life Unexpected: I can't decide if I like this show. I read a review of it somewhere that claimed it was a cross between Gilmore Girls and Everwood which I thought was great because I loved (and still do love) both those shows. But I don't think it's quite lived up to that. In this episode, Lux tries to get high school QB Jones to drop the grand theft auto charges against her boyfriend, Bug. Cate continues to lie to her fiance, Kerr Smith who played Jack the Token Gay Guy on Dawson's Creek. I like Baze's character and I like English teaching roommate. But the jury's out on the rest of them.

The Colbert Report: This show is freaking killing me, it's so damn funny. His "Vancourvage" is starting off so well. My favorite interviews are the ones where the guest can keep up with the absolute insanity that comes out of Stephen's mouth. Shaun White, I think, did a nice job with that. Can't wait to find out what's happening next. The tag line "Sponsored by Verizon Wireless...they paid for our trip!" made me laugh hysterically.

Tuesday

American Idol: Hey, remember when they used to get good singers on this show? I don't know what happened tonight but the top 12 women were just not very good. My current favorites are Lilly Scott and Charlotte Bowersox (At least I think that is your name...if I got it wrong, I apologize). Here's hoping the guys do better tonight.

The Colbert Report: Today's guests were Lindsay Vonn and Bob Costas. Neither did quite as good a job keeping up with Stephen as Shaun White. Lindsay spent the vast majority of her interview in gales of laughter (like when Stphen asked her how you could tell the boy skis from the girl skis) I loved Stephen for chiding a personality lacking Costas for not knowing how to pander to the greatest audience on earth (in response to Costas's lackluster response to a question about where Vancouver ranks in the list of host cities Costas has visited.). I also loved the part where he went to the different countries' "houses" and played fondu pong (think beer pong but with pots of fondu) with the Swiss director. Freaking hilarious. I always want to know what goes on before and after these segments are filmed. Tonight's tagline: "Sponsored by Verizon Wireless...may contain some wires"

Wednesday

American Idol: Hey, remember when they used to get good singers on this show? The top 12 men weren't very good either but I have a bone to pick with the judges more than anything else. Seriously, dawgs, stop being stupid pricks. You go on and on and on about how the contestants need to take a song and make it their own by changing it up so you don't easily recognize the original song and therefore avoid the comparisons between them and the original artist. Then, when a contestant takes Kelly Clarkson's song Since U Been Gone and changes it up so that you don't easily recognize the original song, you blast him for doing that you told him to do. You're all "Oh hey man, you changed it so much I didn't recognize it and that wasn't good." Whatever, jerks. The man did something different, he did something original and you tell him it sucked. Then the little white kid gets on and sings a karaoke version of a Rascal Flatts song and you're all ooohing and ahhing over him. I don't get you. Plus, you were a panel of major jerks when heartthrob (to some, not to me) Casey James takes the stage. He's performing on a live show in front of millions of voters who'll decide his fate and you're acting like your own four ring circus while he's performing? It was so bad that Ellen felt the need to apologize to poor Casey James (who did manage to get through the performance with a straight face despite the chicanery going on in front of him) for the monkey business. Uncool, judges. Seriously. You call yourselves professionals?

Psych: I adore this show. I adore it oh so much. It's so freaking funny and just seems to get funnier with each and every outing. In this episode, Shawn and Gus join a think tank which has got to be the funniest premise of this show ever. Anyway, it's a fake think tank and chaos ensues but our dynamic duo comes out on top at the end.

The Colbert Report: Jeret Peterson and Ryan St. Onge were on tonight. Colbert asked how their parents cope with watching their children hurtle themselves through the air the way they do. Peterson answered "tequila" which prompted Colbert to end with the interview with "Jeret Peterson's mom has a drinking problem"...I'm sure his mother was thrilled with that. A fun interview. Also got a kick out of the speed skating segment. Tonight's line: "Sponsored by Verizon Wireless...now available in wild raspberry" (it might now have been wild raspberry. I can't quite remember. Sorry.)

Thursday

American Idol Results: I hate watching results shows. I really do. I'm only watching this one because there's nothing else on because NBC isn't showing the ladies' figure skating (yeah, that's right...I watch ladies' figure skating. And like it), or at least the medal contenders, until later. I can't even tell you the names of the singers who were booted except that I'm shocked as all get up that Lacey whatever her name is didn't get booted. She's the one who sang- well, is that really the right word for it? I don't think so. I think I'm going to go with "murdered"- she's the one who murdered Landslide. I don't know what the hell America was thinking there.

Olympic Games: Ladies' Free Skate: Well, I know less than nothing about figure skating. Most of the jumps look the same to me. But, in my own, completely uneducated, opinion, Rachel Flatt deserved higher scores than she got. I am thrilled that Kim Yu-Na received her gold medal though. She's amazing. Joanne Rochette has had an amazingly hard Olympic experience so I'm also thrilled that she won a medal. Mirai Nagasu, who finished fourth, is adorable. Can't wait to see her progress in this sport.

Burn Notice: I'm always a sucker for a good spy show and this is a great spy show. I especially love the episodes that end with a good cliffhanger. Except that I also hate the shows that end with a good cliffhanger because then I have to wait a full week to find out what the hell's going to happen next. Not cool, Burn Notice people, but still...awesome.

The Colbert Report: The last show from Vancouver. This guy kills me, seriously, kills me. I just find him to be so damn funny. The speed skating segment was so funny as was the opening part with Bob Costas. Shani Davis and Seth Wescott (from Maine!) were great guests.

Saw this guy on the Ellen show a while back. Check these videos out...he'll blow your mind.




Here's his second card trick:

I went down to Boston on Saturday with my sister, Wendy, my niece Jupiter and my young padawan, Omar. Our primary objective was to go to the Museum of Science to take in the Harry Potter exhibit. We also planned to go to Quincy Market because how to do go to Boston and not go to Quincy Market, and then, time permitting, my new favorite haunt, Mike's Pastry.

I met them in Portsmouth where we left my car for the day and I jumped into the backseat with Jupiter. We cruised on down to the T station and boarded the green line for Government Center. I was picking on Omar just a little bit (don't believe him when he tells you that I was merciless. He can't be trusted.) during the trip. This prompted him to tell me that he had a headache. One he picked up in Portsmouth.

This made me laugh.

Once we got to Government Center, we were going to change trains to go to Science Park but Jupiter really needed to use the bathroom so we went to Quincy Market early. On the way, Omar and I amused ourselves by daring each other to go and press our faces up against the big floor to ceiling windows at the gym (Planet Fitness, maybe?) near Government Center. I double dog dared Omar and he hung his head and said, "I'll be right back."

It was then Wendy realized that she had, in fact, brought three kids to Boston that day.

We took a slightly roundabout route to the museum of science which was all right because it was fairly warm for a February day in New England and Jupiter needed to run out some of her energy anyway. On the way, I had a conversation with Jupiter about how she doesn't care for Regis Philbin. She doesn't like Kelly Ripa either. Sorry Regis and Kelly, I know you'll be crushed.

The museum was crowded but that was to be expected on a Saturday during February vacation week. Right in the entrance hall, they had the knight's horse from the giant wizard's chess game from the first movie. You know, the one Ron rides. Of course, they had it roped off so people couldn't climb on it. Omar and I immediately began scheming how we could distract all museum officials long enough to (a) climb onto the horse's back and (b) take a picture of us on the horse's back. Unfortunately, our planning was futile. Wendy retrieved our tickets from the kiosk which included admittance to the regular exhibit halls. Since we had some time to kill before our Harry Potter entrance time, we went in search of the live animal exhibits.

Jupiter, with her mother in tow, cruised through the exhibits. Omar and I took a more leisurely approach.

They had little baby chicks, freshly hatched. One was still wet, he was so newly born. Omar and I watched him peck at a jar of water, trying to figure out how come nothing was happening.

Next, we went to the monkey room where there were three monkeys, a dad and his two kids, one boy and one girl. I forget what kind of monkeys they were but they're an endangered species located out of Colombia. The father was 11 years old. The daughter was 6 and the son was 5. They eat canned monkey food. See kids, the science museum is educational. I had no idea there was even such a thing as canned monkey food.

Adjacent to the monkey room was a woman sitting at a table dissecting an eye. Yes, an actual eye. It came a sheep. Jupiter, we found out later, was fascinated by this. Omar didn't remember seeing it at all which was my bad because as soon as I noticed what the woman was doing, I steered us both in the opposite direction.

We totally lost Wendy and Jupiter so we meandered through exhibits looking for them. On our way, we visited the history of computing wing where we mastered the old time calculator thing. I had a little trouble with the coded message sender because it was set up like an iPod Touch and I am incapable of properly working an iPod Touch. I maintain this is because the product sucks. Omar would like to go on record as disagreeing with me.

After we left the computer hall, Wendy called my cell.

"Where are you?" she asked.

"Oh, we got kicked out," I said. "See, Omar dared me to steal one of the monkeys and I couldn't just not do it so I was shoving him into my backpack- the monkey, not Omar- and the museum people kind of noticed and yeah, they kicked us out."

"Uh huh," Wendy said. "So where are you?"

"We're down by the 'science in the park' exhibit," I said.

Eventually, we killed enough time and were able to go to the Harry Potter exhibit. If you're a true Harry Potter fan and this exhibit comes anywhere near you, I highly recommend you go because it's just damn cool. They have actual costumes worn by the characters (Snape's costume as worn by the completely amazing Alan Rickman! Harry Potter's casual clothes from all the films! Hermione's Yule Ball gown!), props (the boys' dorm room, Gilderoy Lockhart's portraits, Dolores Umbridge's office (complete with kitten plates), the board from the Gryffindor common room (complete with notices) and so much more.

There was a section devoted to Quidditch where quidditch uniforms were on display. Harry's Nimbus 2000 and the Golden snitch were also around. There was an exhibit within the exhibit where one could try throwing a quaffle through one of three hoops. Jupiter and Wendy managed this task well. Omar and I had a little more trouble.

He picked up a quaffle (surprising heavy and well crafted, by the way) and aimed at one of the hoops. The quaffle ricocheted off the hoop and hit some little kid in the head. I told him he really shouldn't do that.

"Try it like this," I said.

Then I picked up a quaffle and aimed at one of the hoops. The quaffle ricocheted off the hoop and hit some little kid in the head.

"Or not," I said then.

I think the Quidditch attendant was pleased when we finally moved on.

We went to Hagrid's hut and sat in his chair. It was so big that Big the Big Brave German Shepherd could have fit nicely inside. On the other side of the hut was the Forbidden forest, complete with big frakking spider. Omar would tell you that I threw him in the path between me and the spider while screaming like a little girl but it's untrue. Really. Also in the forbidden forest was the Hungarian Horntail dragon and a couple of centaurs. I really, really wanted Omar to stick his head in the dragon's mouth so I could take a picture of it but they have this whole big rule about not touching anything and another rule about not taking any pictures.

Seems unfair.

After the forbidden forest, we went into the section devoted to the dark side of Harry Potter. There was a wax statue of petrified Colin Creevy and his camera. The wax statue was creepy. We'd gone to the Lord of the Rings exhibit a few years back and they had a wax statue of Sean Bean who played Boromir, lying in the canoe they send him over the falls in after he dies. The wax figure was so realistic that we spent so much time just staring at it, wondering if they really didn't just pay Sean Bean to come and lie in that canoe. Well, the Colin statue was the same kind of thing.

There were framed pages from the Daily Prophet on the walls and Omar and I spent a lot of time staring at them, trying to read them. The headlines were in English as was the smaller type below but the type that formed the actual article was something weird. Every now and then, you could make out a word of two but the other words were...weird. I don't know what they were but Omar and I were determined to break the code. I really wish I could have taken a picture of it and blown it up because I'm sure it was something cool and I wanted to know what.

My will to follow the rules involving touching was sorely tested when we came upon the robes worn by Voldemort in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. They just looked so damn cool and had been set up so a slight breeze made them flutter and I wanted. to. touch. them.

I didn't. But barely.

They had the proclamations on the wall (from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix) and the Bloody Baron's outfit. They had food from the various feasts and an O.W.L. exam. This was, I thought, particularly interesting because the questions were all real. I am sad to admit, however, that I did not know the answer to all the questions. We saw Fred and George Weasley's school uniforms and Fawkes the phoenix. Dobby and Kreacher were there too. The formal robes worn by Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire were also on hand. When I saw them, I did a faux faint and said in a Gone With The Wind accent, "Oh my God!!! Edward Cullen wore those!" Omar pretended not to know who Edward Cullen was.

Eventually, we made it to the gift shop where they were selling vastly overpriced Harry Potter merchandise. I was tempted by a couple of the tee shirts but they were thirty dollars and that was just too much. We left empty handed.

We left the museum after that and headed back to Quincy Market. Wendy took Jupiter to McDonald's to get her a hamburger and Omar and I went into the rotunda to see if we could score a table. It took a while, as it generally does at Quincy Market. We found seats on a bench and waited. I was watching two old ladies at a corner table that seemed to be finishing up. While I was doing do, another couple sitting at a nearby table caught my eye and motioned they were leaving. So we gladly took their table and sat and waited with all of our no food, garnering a plethora of judgmental looks from passers-by looking for a flat surface on which to eat their lunch.

"How do you do that?" Omar asked as we waited. "If I was here by myself, no one would offer me their table!"

Omar has a theory that people only talk to him when I'm near by. Because I'm such an obvious people person. But since I never met a riff I didn't like, by the time Wendy and Lina had rejoined us, the quest for a table went something like this:

So, I'm just sitting here on my bench, waiting, when, all of a sudden, these people just start coming up to me, wanting to know if I needed a table.

"Do you need a table?" they asked. "Because we'll get you a table."

Then Omar said, "I could use a table" only to be told

"No, not you. We don't care if you have a table. We meant her. Does she need a table. How long have you been sitting there anyway?"

Shortly after Wendy and Jupiter's arrival, Jupiter decided she needed to go to the bathroom so Wendy took her and then Omar and I sat at our table with a hamburger happy meal which neither of us was eating. This garnered us more looks.

Eventually, the adults got to eat too. I had macaroni and cheese pie with a side of cornbread. Omar had some Indian food he claimed was chicken and Wendy had Thai food which purportedly contained both chicken and eggs. I didn't look that closely.

We went up to Mike's Pasty afterward and waited in the longest line I've ever seen at Mike's Pastry to buy cookies and cannoli and (in my case), giant fudge brownies. We found our way back to Government Center and took the green line back to the car. Jupiter and I amused ourselves by looking at the moon through the moon roof and talking about what it looked like. A hat, a bowl, a viking ship (that one was Jupiter), a fingernail, and so on and so forth. Jupiter eventually told me how the moon was made from cheese. She then decided it was made from whipped cream and one day, when she traveled to the moon, she was going to take a scoop of moon and eat it.

That'll make one hell of a trip diary. I can't wait to write it.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, here we are. The main event. The blog you've all been waiting for....All right, maybe you haven't been waiting for this particular blog, but it's what I'm writing so you'll read it (you know you will) and you'll like it (unless you're my boss. You might not be so enamored with it then.).

Tonight was the Store's annual inventory. Right smack in the middle of February vacation week because the brain trust we call corporate thought that would be a good idea. Although, I would like to note that I would much rather have a February vacation inventory than the Superbowl inventory they stuck us with last year. Not cool, corporate. Not cool.

Anyway, it's become tradition for Ruthie and I to go out for a late lunch/early dinner before inventory. During this lunch, Ruthie traditionally complains far and wide about Head Honcho Julie and whoever else happens to be managers at the time. I mostly nod and say "uh huh" periodically. One year, it was all about Jule Do-Little (who is no longer with the company). This year it was a mixture between Head Honcho Julie and Annoying Tammy.

This was Annoying Tammy's first inventory with the Store. She's worked in other stores before and done inventories there. As she told us repeatedly. And by 'repeatedly', I mean 'every damn chance she got' and if we didn't give her an opening to mention it, she made one for herself. Thus her shiny new nickname 'Annoying Tammy'.

Here's the thing, Tammy: Ruthie and I have done inventories too. In fact, Ruthie has done three at the Store. I personally have done more at the Store than I really want to admit because that'll mean I've wasted a good chunk of my life in the Store. Before inventories at the Store, I did inventories at two other stores and ran the inventories in the store before that (Good God. I have spent entirely too much of my life inventorying stores.), a store, by the way, that is much bigger than any store in which you've worked. So, you need to back off because we don't care.

Ruthie and I had lunch at Pizza Hut (her choice). We were well into our anti-management tirade when Ruthie's phone rang and interrupted us. It's a good thing it did because who should come waltzing into the restaurant but Head Honcho Julie and Annoying Tammy. They were there picking up a couple of pizzas for the inventory staff and stopped by our table to harass us. Eventually they left and Ruthie and I were able to continue our meal in peace.

After lunch, we made a stop at Wal Mart where I bought a jumbo box of junior mints (for which I was not carded) and Ruthie bought a coffee from Dunkin' Donuts (how did we ever get by without a Dunkin' Donuts in our big box stores?). After that, it was time for work. We walk in and Head Honcho Julie greets us with

"Oh, thanks for not bringing us coffee."

"Anytime," I said and walked into the backroom.

This was followed by a mini tirade when Ruthie complained about how management never gets her coffee and do they think she's made of money? I agreed with her on this one because one manager will often call another and see if she needs coffee but never once have they asked if the associate fielding the call would like a coffee.

I took a moment to look at the inventory staff schedule. Ruthie, me, all three managers, Sycophantic Laurie and Annie. I thought Annie was a particularly bold choice as she proved last inventory that she can't count. But whatever.

Right next to the inventory schedule was next week's schedule so then I looked at that. Normally, after inventory, my hours shrink back to next to nothing. It's our slower than slow time and Head Honcho Julie doesn't often need an employee who doesn't know how to use a register or answer a customer's question without massive amounts of sarcasm. So I was surprised to see that I had been given two shifts.

"How'd I end up with so many hours?" I asked Head Honcho Julie who had made her way to the backroom at this time.

"Oh, well, I had extra hours to give and I was looking at the schedule to see who didn't have very many hours and it was between you and Sycophantic Laurie and then I thought 'who would I rather work with?'"

"And you went with me?" I asked.

"There's much less 'shoot me in the head' with you," Head Honcho Julie said. "I always know where I stand with you."

Well, I couldn't argue with that.

Ruthie and I were set to pre-counting after that. Pre-counting, for those of you not in the know, is when you, well, pre-count a section of merchandise so that later, when the so-called inventory specialists arrive, they have something to compare their own counts to. Last year, Annie had pre-counting the vast majority of the stockroom incorrectly. This year, I listened to Annie complain about how she had to pre-count the stockroom last year. Twice.

"Do you know how many times I had to count the stockroom last year?" I asked her.

Annie shut up then.

We now interrupt this riveting inventory recount, to bring to you this public service announcement:

WHEN SOMEONE IS COUNTING, ESPECIALLY WHEN AN ACCURATE COUNT IS KEY, STOP TALKING TO THE PERSON DOING THE COUNTING, YOU STUPID JERKS.

And a special aside just for Sycophantic Laurie:

STOP STARING AT ME WHILE I'M TRYING TO COUNT, YOU FREAK. NO WONDER HEAD HONCHO JULIE WOULD RATHER WORK WITH ME.

We now return to your regularly scheduled blog:

The inventory specialists were supposed to start inventory at 7pm. They didn't show up until 7pm so they didn't get started until 7:30pm, which was actually early for them. They also only had three staffers. More showed up as the night progressed but they were actually short three people. I wondered who was in charge of counting the staffers because you'd be surprised at how many of the inventory specialists can't actually count. I've always found this to be ironic because you would think that the ability to count would be a plus in an inventory specialist. They also often seem to have an aversion to personal hygiene. I don't think the two are related but BOY, is it irritating.

"Oh my god," one of the inventory specialists exclaimed. "That's up really high. Uh...do they have ladders?"

Since I couldn't be expected to just let that one go, I replied

"No. We just use our Go Go Gadget legs. What? You didn't bring yours?"

Her: "What?"

Me: "Yes. We have ladders."

When things did get rolling, I was sent to the Pack and Hold Room (the room where product goes to die) to pre-count everything there and to cover the sku checks (when a ticket doesn't scan correctly for one reason or another) for the inventory specialist there. Well, I wasn't sent there. I volunteered because Annoying Tammy came and interrupted both Ruthie and me in the middle of counts so she could tell us that someone needed to go back to the Pack and Hold Room. Both Ruthie and I were left wondering what Sycophantic Laurie and Annie or even Tammy herself was doing (You know, apart from walking around clutching her inventory map and telling everyone within earshot that she'd run an inventory before). Since Ruthie looked like she was about to blow a gasket, I said I would go.

Turns out that was a good idea because the inventory specialist was both clean and competent. His name was Alex and not only could he count and count accurately, he had a sense of humor. Or, at least, he laughed at my jokes (translation: snarky passive aggressive comments made at Annoying Tammy's expense) which may not say a lot about his sense of humor, but for me, it said enough.

Alex was working temporarily for the inventory company because he'd recently moved back to Maine after losing his job out in Denver. The night before, he worked a company up in Presque Isle. Friday, he's working the inventory at a pet store. This led to a discussion about how one would go about inventorying the fish.

"I mean, come on," I said. "The damn guppies would be multiplying before your eyes."

We counted and then we counted some more. A little after 9pm, Ruthie and Head Honcho Julie had a fight about us taking breaks. Ruthie told Head Honcho Julie not to take a tone with her which made Head Honcho Julie take a tone when she responded, "I'm not taking a tone with you." The fight then progressed to Julie being irritated that we hadn't brought her coffee when we arrived. Apparently, it wasn't very thoughtful of us.

"Which is why you were thoughtful enough to get a vegetarian friendly pizza," I commented. "Given that I am, as you know, a vegetarian."

Because she hadn't. They ordered two pizzas. The first was pepperoni and pineapple (yes, really) and the second was a chicken supreme. I didn't care that she hadn't ordered a vegetarian friendly pizza. I did care that she was harassing Ruthie over a stupid cup of coffee.

"Just go take a break," Julie ordered her.

So they left and I made more snarky comments at which Alex laughed. We agreed that neither of us wanted to deal with breaks because we'd much rather push through and just get the damn job done.

Which is why, when it came time for my break, I punched out and then returned to the Pack and Hold room to keep on counting.

"Are you taking a break?" Head Honcho Julie asked.

"Sure," I said. "Let's call it that."

I'm not sure if this is irony or maybe just karma, but I was in the middle of a sku check that took more time than usual and ended up punching in late from my break. This means corporate will dock my pay. Bastards.

After my 'break', Ass Man Heidi came out back to tell me that the inventory specialist working the main stockroom said I had miscounted three different sections.

"It could be me," the woman purportedly said. "But I highly doubt it."

It was her.

The rest of the night went fairly well, meaning that management, Annie and Sycophantic Laurie left me alone. I also met Graham, a second inventory specialist with the rare ability to count. All right, so he badly miscounted one area, but really, it was just the one. His personal hygiene wasn't quite as high as Alex's, but still, he was a pleasure with which to work. He'd spent the day before our inventory chopping wood. I don't know how that relates to anything but he told me about it and so now I am telling you. I'm sure we'll all be better people because of it.

Anyway, Head Honcho Julie sent both Ruthie and I home just after 11pm. Gladly, we went. The stockroom is trashed which means Ruthie will have to spend most of her day tomorrow cleaning it up. She is not looking forward to this. She is also not looking forward to working with Annoying Tammy in the morning as Annoying Tammy will assuredly be going on non stop about her inventory prowess.

I'll be expecting Ruthie's call.

Have a great weekend, everyone.

I went to Wal Mart after work today to purchase a few items. My list was comprised of dryer sheets, deodorant and Nyquil. I picked up my three items and got in line to pay. There were a few people behind me and together we all waited while the cashier tried to scan the two gallons of milk the woman in front of me wanted to buy. They were different kinds of milk. One was skim and one was two percent. It only matters because the two percent milk wouldn't scan and the computer wouldn't recognize the number the cashier tried to enter into it. The cashier then asked the woman if she knew how much the milk was. The woman didn't know.

"But it's all right with me if you just want to scan the other one again," she said.

The inventory prep girl inside of me took issue with this. It is NOT okay. That's the sort of thing that screws up a store's inventory because they're not the same item. But as it was Wal Mart's inventory and I'll have absolutely nothing to do with that, I decided to keep my mouth shut.

Then it was my turn.

The cashier scanned my precious bottle of Nyquil first. The computer beeped. Loudly. The little display read "Is customer 18? Yes or No?"

I looked at the cashier. The cashier looked at me.

"Do you have your license on you?" she asked.

"No," I said because I didn't have my license on me because I hadn't been planning to do any driving actually in Wal Mart.

"Well, then I can't sell you this item," she said.

She took the bottle of Nyquil and set it on the other side of her register.

"Wait, what?" I asked. "Are you serious?"

Apparently she was because she said, "You have to be eighteen to purchase this."

"Well, that works out because I'm thirty three," I said.

"I need to see your license," she said again.

I was a little stunned. The guy behind me was also a little stunned and made a small noise of disbelief. For a moment of pure irrationality, I didn't know if I should be annoyed with the cashier for thinking I wasn't old enough to buy a bottle of cough syrup or annoyed with the guy for thinking I was.

I went with the cashier.

"It's a single bottle of Nyquil," I said.

"And you have to be eighteen to buy it," she said.

"I'm not going to get high off it," I said. "I'm not making crystal meth in my bathtub."

At least I wouldn't be making very much crystal meth in my bathtub.

But the mean cashier did not seem to care about this. She was definitely in "no license, no Nyquil" mode. Since there was an ever growing line of people waiting behind me, I stopped fighting with the woman. I took the dryer sheets and deodorant.

"Have a nice day," she said as she handed me my receipt.

"Really?" I asked.

She shrugged and started to wait on the next customer. He was buying some fettuccine alfredo box dinner. Probably didn't have to be eighteen to buy that.

I shouldn't be surprised. This is the same store, after all, that once carded me for buying the unrated version of the movie Role Models.

So, thank you, Wal Mart, for keeping Americans safe from unrated debauchery and a good night's sleep. If I need any other favors, I'll be sure to let you know.

Oh...and just one last thing before I sign off. I'd like to say hello to my new reader, Mrs. King...thanks for tuning in!!

Next week is February vacation week. It's traditionally a busy week in the Mount Washington Valley as people come from far and wide to enjoy the snow. Of course, all the snow is currently in the mid-Atlantic states so who knows, maybe they won't be coming this year. Note to skiers: the local ski resorts can make their own snow. And do.

In addition to February vacation week, next week is also the Store's annual inventory. Last year, the braniacs at corporate picked Superbowl Sunday for inventory. I didn't think it would be possible for them to pick a worse night. What I have learned is to stop setting limits with things like that because they picked vacation week this year. It doesn't matter what day of the week they picked (Thursday) because any day during February vacation week is a BAD DAY for an inventory.

But we don't get a choice.

What we do get to do is prepare. Which means we need to get rid of inventory so we have less crap to count next week. Our first step is the "Everything's On Sale" sale going on now where, in case you're confused, everything's on sale. This involved me going to work early to help set up all the signs needed because when everything's on sale, you need to put a lot of signs up.

Head Honcho Julie instructed me to put the sale signs on everything "Everything?" I asked, just to be sure. "Everything," she confirmed. She then left the sales floor to go do something in the back office. I suspect she was stuffing her face with animal crackers. She's recently started a diet and is starting to feel the strain a little bit. But I went about putting up my sale signs. On every fixture. Just the way she wanted. I was almost finished when she came back out.

Her: Uh...how much are you going to kill me?

Me: You say that as though there are in fact degrees to which one can be killed.

Her: Yeah. Uh, I didn't want sale signs on the pants walls.

Me: So when you said you wanted sale signs on everything, you didn't actually mean everything.

Her: Yeah.

So I went back and removed all the sale signs from all the pants walls. A little later on, we opened the doors and let the customers come in. Always a mistake.

Here's a conversation I had with a browsing customer this week:

Him: Is this on sale?

Me: Yes. The entire store's on sale.

(time lapse: two or three minutes)

Him: Is this on sale?

Me: Yes. The entire store's on sale.

(time lapse: two or three minutes)

Him: How about this? Is this on sale?

Me: No.

Him: Really?

Me: No.

And then later, there was this stupid exchange with a different customer who was browsing the rack of 70% off winter parkas.

Her: Is this jacket 70% off?

Me: Yes.

Her: Off the price?

Me: No, the sleeves.

Her: Huh?

Me: Yes, the price.

So you can imagine my delight when I was exiled to the Pack and Hold room, otherwise known as the room where product goes to die. Slowly, very, very slowly. There's product that's been in that stockroom since before I started working at the Store which was a depressingly long time ago. My task was to perform a ticket check which is when someone (usually me) goes through each and every piece of merchandise to ensure it has a scanable ticket for the RGIS Inventory Specialists (who, by the often, often can't count.) to scan. I usually get stuck with this chore because I don't complain about it. In fact, I like being exiled to the Pack and Hold room because (a) there are no customers in the Pack and Hold room and (b) the managers seldom venture back there and (c) I get to perform some mind numbing work while my brain is freed to think about things I really care about. I've written some kick ass scenes in the Pack and Hold room. Just don't tell my manager.

Head Honcho Julie showed up toward the end of my shift. I was sitting atop a ladder checking tickets and listening to my iPod. I only had one earbud in so I could hear if someone should call for me. Julie didn't see it.

"Do you want a radio or something to listen to back here?" she asked.

"I have my iPod," I explained and then went on to explain the one earbud thing.

"Oh, you mean like if we were yelling like 'Fire! Fire!'"

"I can set the building on fire," I said (Please Note: I was just referencing the cult classic Office Space. I have no plans to set the Store on fire.).

"What?"

"Yes. I would like to be informed if the building is on fire," I said. "It is not one of my goals to die in this building. Sometimes it feels as though I will die here, but I would really like to avoid it if at all possible."

"Oh, we'd send the firemen in after you," Julie assured me.

"Because otherwise you'd have to check all these stupid tickets on your own," I said.

"Exactly," she said. "I'm so glad you understand."

And how.

Click Here and Here to read my past inventory blogs. I will warn you though...the sarcasm runs rampant in those entries.

Thanks to my sister for sending me this video...




My own Gator can do a ten foot broad jump...guess this spring we'll have to work on jumping over a car.

Happy Monday Morning, everyone, on a day when the Colts have lost the Superbowl. I admit to cheering for the Saints but only because that's how much I hate the Colts. And no, I don't think 'hate' is too strong a word here. I go on record as saying that if the Pats can't be Superbowl winners, the next best thing is that the Colts are Superbowl losers. The third and fourth best things would be the Jets and Steelers also being Superbowl losers. My brother told me there was a poll about who do you think will win the big game and every single state, with the exception of New England and Louisiana, chose the Colts.

Suckers.

Although I feel I should say that my father-in-law is a Colts fan and if they had won, I would have been begrudgingly happy for him (not the team...him).

Joe also thought the Colts would win. When I heard this, I immediately ordered my dogs to attack him but as they both kind of flunked out of bite training, it didn't really work the way I'd hoped it might. Joe was then careful to specify that he was not rooting for the Colts but just thought they would be the ones to win the game.

Sucker.

At any rate, it was a good game. Particularly that third quarter on side kick and then Peyton's fourth quarter interception. It's hard to watch the Superbowl when you're actually interested in football because there's no good time to go to the bathroom because you don't want to miss the game nor do you want to miss the commercials. Thank goodness for our DVR which made life a little bit easier.

My favorite commercials were the Robin Hood trailer even though I kind of hate Russell Crowe. Man's a jackass but damn, he can act. Plus, I'm a total sucker for a Robin Hood movie.



So it's basically Gladiator with a bow...but it's gonna be awesome.

I also liked the Doritos commercial where the dog put the shock collar on the guy.



I also liked the following Bud Light commercials (even if I'm not a Lost fan):



and this one:




I don't really remember any other commercials apart from the Betty White one (I love the fact that her career's still going stong!). I'm always left feeling like the commercials get less interesting every year. Does anyone else remember when the commercials were...you know, good? I remember the year the Budweiser frogs were introduced and Oh, the fun we had in the school hallways that Monday.

This Monday, I was not reciting any Superbowl ads. No, this Monday was spent reading my dear, sweet schizophrenic Gator Girl the riot act.

It was supposed to be different. Today I was going to write a ton of words. I had scenes in my head and I was going to get them all out and down on paper (or in a word processor, as the case may be). The Gator Girl had other plans.

The Gator Girl must have thought that today was Opposite Day because everything she's not supposed to do, she did. She threw up in the most inconvenient corner of the bedroom. She got into the trash and the cookie cupboard. She got into the hall closet where the hats and mittens live so she could shred some of those. While I was cleaning up that mess, she got in the trash again. While I was cleaning up that mess, she shredded a box of tissues from the bathroom. While I was cleaning up that mess, she was throwing up again. This time in the most inconvenient corner of the living room. So then I cleaned up that mess. That's when she got into the trash. Again.

That's when I put the Gator Girl in Time Out.

Then, because I am stupid, I put both dogs in the car to take along on my errands. We stopped off at The Store because last Friday had been payday and I had yet to pick up my check. The dogs really are good in public. Makes me think I just need to keep the Gator Girl in public all the freaking time. We went to the Book Warehouse and bought some books (Just don't tell Joe. He's under the impression that I have more than enough books already.) and then headed to Old Navy to browse the clearance racks (Note to Old Navy: $23 jeans are not clearance. $7 off your regular price is not clearance.) before returning to the car.

I put Big in the car first and then put the Gator Girl in the car. It took me maybe fifteen seconds to get in the driver's seat but it was long enough for the Gator Girl, overstimulated and psychotic, to lunge into the backseat at Big.

She tends to go for eyes and ears. My guess is because those areas elicit the biggest screams from her victims. Needless to say, I was Not Pleased. I pulled her off Big and strapped her into the front seat. I gave Big a quick once over and he seemed to be in tact so we went on our way.

Turns out he wasn't so in tact.

We went to the post office next. It's about a mile away. By the time we got there, the backseat of my car looked like a crime scene. A crime scene of a very bloody homicide. A homicide committed by a chain saw.

Dog ears bleed like a son of a bitch.

I knew this because one day, many moons ago, Big was playing with my sister's dog, Piper. They got a little heated and Big ended up (accidentally, of course) ripping poor Piper's ear. Then Piper shook her head. A lot. With the blood spatter on those walls, we're lucky no law enforcement officials came by because seriously, they would have thought some insane mass murder had taken place in her living room.

Now the mass murder was in the backseat of my car.

I said several not nice words to the Gator Girl as I sat in the backseat with Big, applying pressure to his ear. He really was unhappy by all this and was whining and probably thinking about how much he wanted his Mimi. And honestly, if I lived closer to my mother, I would have brought him down to her so she could pet him and tell him how good and handsome he is and how sorry she is that he has to live with that spaz of a sister. If she had done that, he might have held still long enough for me to apply enough pressure to his ear to get it to stop bleeding.

It did, eventually. I was just parked at the post office for a long time while I waited.

When we got home, I brought the dogs inside and started the blood removal process on the backseat. It took a while (an hour in some damn cold temperatures) but I think I got it all. There was even blood spatter on the outside of the car because Big likes to ride with his head out the window so there were big bloody streaks on the back windows. I think I got all of that too but the next warm day when the temperatures are remotely close to freezing, I'm going to be paying a visit to the local car wash.

I have since informed the Gator Girl that should she think to tag her brother like that again, she'll be riding in the back of the car in a cat carrier. A very small cat carrier.

I stopped in at my parents' house this past Friday to pay an overdue visit. I managed to catch just about everyone there, including my six year old niece, Jupiter. She was fresh out of school and bouncing off the walls so my mother suggested we play Wii. There's an island cycling game on the Wii Fit that Jupiter is particularly fond of that helps her to expend some of her energy. I've never played it but I was game and so we set the system up.

It first required me to get on the Wii fit board. If you haven't been on a Wii fit board, you have to be prepared for a smart ass piece of equipment that will mock you at every given opportunity. It continuously told me how bad my balance was. I'd like to point out that when the Wii fit board was testing my balance, I was completely unaware this test was going on. So it doesn't come as a surprise that my balance was off because all my weight had been shifted onto my left side.

Then after it mocked me about my lack of balance and gave me a lesson on BMI and calorie burning, it wanted me to set a goal. My only goal was to get to the island cycling game but that didn't seem to be an option. So I set a goal to gain one tenth of a pound in two weeks.

"I'll just eat a dozen donuts before I get on this thing again," I said. "That should cover it, right?"

"Then it'll mock you for being obese," my sister, B, told me.

And it would. I believe that.

Next I had to choose my personal trainer. There was a choice between a man and a woman.

"Gee, I wonder which you'll pick," my mother said.

"I don't know," I said. To the Wii, I said, "Excuse me, sir, would you mind removing your shirt?"

It was possible I forgotten about the presence of the six year old. Even though she was standing right beside me at the time.

I got the "Oh, nice" look from both B and my mother.

"Yeah," Jupiter said. "He can take off his shirt. And his pants."

Just when I was thinking "Oh, damn", Jupiter continued.

"And his underwear," she said.

It's possible I got another "Oh nice" look then. Although "nice" might not have been the exact thought.

"No," I said then. "Not his underwear. Just his shirt."

Couldn't take that part back, after all.

"And his pants," Jupiter said.

"No," I said. "I don't think so."

Anyway, we finally got to the games. I did my island cycling and accidentally ran over a wii dog in the process. The dog recovering completely and quickly and spent the rest of the game chasing me. I kind of felt like a fool the whole time. There's a reason I don't go to the gym. You know, apart from laziness. That reason is feeling like everyone is staring at me while I run in place. It's a very disconcerting feeling.

After island cycling, we played some of the other games. One of them was some kind of bubble game. Your Mii character is in a bubble floating down a river. You're supposed to lean forward, left and right and whatnot to move yourself safely along the path. If you get too close to the edge, you run into a rock and pop your bubble and then the game is over. On my first attempt, I popped the bubble right away. I was much more successful on my second attempt but when my run did come to an end, I said, "Oh shit."

Yes. It's possible I once again forgot about the presence of a six year old.

Then, when I remembered the presence of a six year old, I said, "Damn."

This was followed by "Crap."

This earned me another "Oh nice" look.

So, a special apology to my sister: If your daughter exhibited some...uh, colorful language over the weekend, my bad. Though, in my defense, our father and her grandfather is a sailor so I think a certain way with four letter words is genetic is possibly not all my fault.

A little later on while I was playing another Wii fit game (hula hoop, maybe? Ski jumping? I think it was ski jumping...at which, by the way, I was a complete and utter failure.), Jupiter got a little fresh. She didn't drop any four letter bombs but had a nice string of bathroom talk going on so my mother informed her that if she didn't stop using bad words she was going to have to leave the room.

"Does this mean I have to leave the room then?" I asked.

"No, but I have a bar of soap upstairs you can use," my mother said.

"Hey," I said. "If I had been at home, I probably would've used a different word."

I suspect this didn't help my case. Needless to say, I kept it clean for the rest of the afternoon.

So did Jupiter.